It was like, okay, so it’s got nothing to do with my relationship
I didn’t go off sex. I forgot about sex. So then I had to go, Okay, right. All right. Don’t panic. It just means that, you know, desire is not going to tap me on the shoulder anymore. It means I have to create it.
So accepting that I’m not gonna feel spontaneously turned on anymore, well, not all the time anyway, and it’s not my partner’s job to turn me on, either. It’s my job to turn myself on. And that changed everything, I think.
And the sex is, I have to say, in lots of ways better because of that
And also knowing that it’s normal. It’s got nothing to do with me. This is just what happens. It’s hormones, hormones. It’s a thing. They just trickle away and you can’t do anything about it.
And so, Tracey said, you look at sex from a different direction. For her, vaginal penetration is painful. She said vaginal pessaries have helped. They’re basically devices you insert that support areas of your pelvis. She and her husband have also switched to other types of sex, such as oral, most of the time.
I mean, I’ve got a partner who doesn’t mind about that. It’s so, so we live with that, work outside of the square.
I loved hearing that. I totally believe that sex challenges can spur creative and end up broadening our sexual repertoires, so to speak.
Tracey sprinkled lots of true stories and experiences from many different folks throughout Great Sex Starts at Fifty. I asked her to share what struck her most about people’s commentary when she approached them about these topics.
I was really struck, apart from people not talking about not having sex, but by how much it isn’t about what you look like or what’s actually happening. It’s all about perception. It is all in the head.
All the people who said, “I hate aging, you know. My body doesn’t look the same. You know, my breasts are down around my waist, and I’ve got stretch marks. And who would ever want to sleep with me? Why, you know, why would I ever want to have sex again? I don’t look the way I did.” All of those people, surprise, surprise, were having rubbish sex, or having no sex at all.
Therefore, then you just think, okay, well, what makes me feel sexy-watching a sexy film, reading a sexy book, you know, getting myself halfway there with a vibrator before I get in bed with my husband
The women who said, “I don’t look the same, you know, as I did. But I actually still think I look sexy. So, I don’t really care what anyone else thinks. And my husband thinks I’m sexy so that’s all I care about. I couldn’t care less if I look older or you look young.” They’re the people who were having great sex.
Now, the people who were complaining about not looking the same probably looked 20 times better than the ones that thought they didn’t. So, it doesn’t matter what you actually look like. It doesn’t matter, you know, whether you’re the big sex kitten and look great on Instagram or whether you’re one of these people that looks like a librarian. You know, it doesn’t really matter. It’s got nothing to do with looks. So that was just reinforced big time.
If you want to experience great sex, now and throughout the rest of your life, Tracey said to remember that it is all about attitude.